Finally a new post

Mostly, my days have been rolling along. My nephew was here last week. Above is a picture of Everett and my dog, Maxine on his last day here. We had a great time.

We went to the fair, we went to Austin, he went to San Antonio. He was duly impressed with Texas.

We had to fix up a box for all the stuff he bought while he was here. He bought all kinds of souvenirs. That's the fun, though, of being a kid on vacation.

My Wednesday night Bible study group has started up again. I am absolutely ecstatic about that. We haven't been meeting--for almost a year--and that small study group really is church for me. You get really close to each other when it's a small group.

I guess Mega-Churches are fine for a lot of people. I like a small church--actually, I prefer a small group within a large congregation.

I saw a great video clip the other day of this dog named Skidboot. He lives in Quinlan, TX with David & Barbar Hartwig. Take a look at the videos they have posted. Skidboot is incredible.

I guess that's it for today.

My Story - Installment 1

I think everyone struggles with purpose--hence the popularity of The Purpose Driven Life. Some years ago I came to the same epiphany; we are here to be. Out of that being comes everything. If we are not Being then all we do is wrought from pain and anguish and compulsion.

I really saw that when I was laid off. Tom had me read John 10 everyday for a month. That is the chapter Jesus talks about being the Good Shepherd. I knew roughly what a shepherd does but I decided to do a little research. I came to the conclusion that shepherds pretty much do everything for the sheep but chew their food. Which for me, translates to my job is to be, to show up. It's Jesus's job to make everything right.

I know some people think Jesus is talking spiritually. I think he's talking spiritually, physically, and emotionally. His and God's job is to take care of me as much as I let them. Mostly, I don't trust them to do what they say they're going to do.

Now, about story. My story is pretty much blank to me. I remember pieces parts and that's about it. I have recently written a poem picturing how I experience my life. I will include here.

Torrential anger floods my heart
Pain has taken up residence
I wander through my life
Like walking in a blacked-out
Cave with a flashlight
A few moments of illumination
Then all is forgotten
But the pain . . .and the anger
Love has no firm foothold
I want what I want
And I won't let go
I strangle my future with
Darkness from my past

So, bear with me, and I will write as I see my story in my head.

I was born July 17, 1966; just less than a year after Mama and Daddy married. Really, I think, that's not the start of my story. My story began with Mama and Daddy. And really, I think I know their story better than my own--which doesn't surprise me.

Mama's daddy died when she was 5. Mama was the middle sister of 3 girls. Grandma had married young (16) so was not allowed to finish highschool. When her husband died, she went to a business/typing school to learn to make a living.

They lived in Pensacola, FL where Grandma was raised. Mama and her sisters were kept by their cousin Ralph and any other available relative while Grandma went to school and worked. Grandma eventually remarried.

Both of Grandma's husband were of the military. Her second husband was very straightlaced--or so he seems to me in his pictures.

So, Mama had a lot of leaving in her life. She didn't really know her real dad and her mother was gone a lot and I'm sure was very strong, indeed. When Grandma remarried, they moved all over the country as any air force family would. I have her highschool annuals--they are from 3 different schools.

Daddy's parents had 7 children and then his dad died. He worked for the electric company and fell into the lines and was electrocuted. Daddy was very young when this happened. My aunt Debbie, the youngest, doesn't really remember their dad--she was still in diapers.

Their mother, having 7 children remarried. I'm not exactly sure when. I know she worked at the Vallen Paint Company in Garland (I don't know if it's still there or not.)

The man she remarried, Joe, was a drunk and he beat her in front of the kids. He didn't work. He went to the Terrell State Hospital a couple of times. They had a son so there were 8 kids in all. They lived down in the name streets in Garland in one of those little bitty 2 bedroom houses.

One morning, the kids got up and found their mother on the floor. She had died from ovarian cancer. The chief of police in Garland drove Joe out of town and told him never to darken the city limits of Garland again. An interesting side note to this is, Daddy's real daddy was building a house along side of his two brothers who both turned out to be alcoholics.

When their mother died, their family didn't have anything to do with them. My aunt Jeannie was near 18 at the time and she pretty much took care of them all for awhile. Their mother's mother was a mean drunk and did not help. A man from the church (Saturn Rd I think) named Mr. Odom found out about the family and arranged care for the kids.

So, Daddy had nothing but leaving--dad dying, mother dying, family abandoning, siblings seperated, abusive and alcoholic step-dad, grandmother and uncles.

So, we have set the stage for Summer's twinkle in her Daddy's eye. And, I had better leave it there until later this evening.

Hard Weekend

This past weekend I had a hard time getting through. I know part of my struggle was I got tired and was hormonal--which always intensifies whatever is sneaking around in my heart. I've been working a lot and I must say that here in Texas we are actually living in a precursor to hell--you know that song that says "hot, hot, hot!"

Weekends are always hard for me. I spent most of my time during the weekends with my best friend. So, having to do it differently is hard. Sometimes I feel like my heart is being ripped to shreds and left inside be to try and limp along.

Personally, I am struggling with loneliness. I pray that God will comfort me. I am craving a place of comfort for my heart.

Here are some verses of comfort that I found:

Isaiah 61
1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.

And

2 Corinthians 1:3-5
3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,
4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.
5For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.

And


Psalm 56 (English Standard Version)
1Be gracious to me, O God, for man tramples on me;all day long an attacker oppresses me;
2my enemies trample on me all day long,for many attack me proudly.
3When I am afraid,I put my trust in you.
4In God, whose word I praise,in God I trust; I shall not be afraid.What can flesh do to me?
5All day long they injure my cause;all their thoughts are against me for evil.
6They stir up strife, they lurk;they watch my steps,as they have waited for my life.
7For their crime will they escape?In wrath cast down the peoples, O God!
8You have kept count of my tossings;put my tears in your bottle.Are they not in your book?
9Then my enemies will turn backin the day when I call.This I know, that God is for me.
10In God, whose word I praise,in the LORD, whose word I praise,
11in God I trust; I shall not be afraid.What can man do to me?
12I must perform my vows to you, O God;I will render thank offerings to you.
13For you have delivered my soul from death,yes, my feet from falling,that I may walk before God in the light of life.

I love these verses--I comfort myself with them. My most favorite is Psalms 56:8 (I bolded it) where David talks about God saving my tears in a bottle.

I was just talking to a friend yesterday after church about this verse. I can see when I get to Heaven and my turn comes to talk to God about my life and everything and He comes to me with this bottle. He spills the bottle out at my feet and says to me, "Oh my precious Summer, I am so sorry for the hurt you had to feel, please, come and rest from your journey, all is well, all is healed." And I run through that puddle with my arms opened wide, and He leans down and scoops me up and hugs me tight, and kisses me on my check and we laugh and cry together for the joy of reunion and the tears are forgotten.

I do miss my friend.

I have to trust that God will take care of me even if I don't feel it or believe it. I do have hope of resolution, at least in Heaven if not here and now.

He will heal my loneliness when I let Him. He will heal my pain, when I let Him. He will heal my anger, when I let Him. And, I think the letting Him is where He holds my hand and strengthens me while I do the work of healing, and He sends His people to put their arms around me to give me a place to rest when I am tired from the work.

I see all of this as a two way street. Two people can be in the same emotional spot. They will both be hurting at the same time but have hope and comfort to give the other that we do not feel for ourselves.

I want to encourage and strengthen myself and anyone who may be reading this. I want God to enter in and move in our hearts. We are the children of God--if we were not we would not struggle.

God is good, God is good.

August

OK. So, I haven't written much this summer. I haven't really felt like writing much at all. I have been wallowing around in depression for most of the time.

In June, my best friend and I had a falling out and our friendship has ended. I had thought that wouldn't happen but lo it did.

Needless to say, I have been anti-motivated for almost everything. I am amazed how these seemingly small changes effect the grand scheme of your life--at least of my life. I do not "roll with the flow" very easily. It's like I try to stand as still and quiet as I can so that nothing will move--nothing will change. Amazingly, things move and change whether I am the impetus or not.

Well, there's not a lot going on in my life right now. I get up and go to work. Sweat like a pig getting back in the car to drive home. I have determined that, at least this year, North Texas is actually Hell. I think that the heat and drought here should be enough to drive every person in the DFW metroplex to their knees seeking forgiveness just to avoid living in eternal Texas summer with Satan.

Last night I was looking through a catalog from Hancock's of Paducah. It's a fabric store that is out of this world. I started getting the itch to learn to quilt. So, I guess I'm going to have to get a few things together and start some place mats or something to get started.

What else? What else? I can't think of anything else fun and exciting going on--I can't even think of anything not fun and boring--so this is the end of today's post.

My Trip

I am home from my trip to see my sister, Amy and her family. I had a great time visiting with her and the kids.

I worked out at their place where they are building a house. I went to church with them on Wednesday night and met a bunch of their friends. Amy, the kids and I went to this place called Bunnies by the Bay and had tea, which was a lot of fun. I got to love on the kids, read stories and help with chores. I really enjoyed my time there.

Coming home, now that is a story! I was flying on a buddy pass from Amy's mother-in-law, and that should tell you everything. Amy dropped me at the airport on Saturday at 12:30 P.M. I was there until about 12:30 A.M. trying to get out. Amy came and got me and took me two hours north where they said I'd for sure get on a flight to Salt Lake City then on to Dallas Sunday morning.

I got to Salt Lake City just fine. It's the getting to Dallas part that didn't happen. I found out it was Mary Kay convention here this week. So, I spent all the live long day in the airport at Salt Lake City without the faintest chance of leaving that day.

Happily, I met a girl, LaRae, who was trying to get here for the conference. She was from Salt Lake and said, "If we don't catch this last flight, you should come home and stay the night with me." And me, in my bleary eyed and foggy headed state said, "OK." So I stayed with a stranger I met in the airport.

We went back to the airport Monday morning. I didn't get on the first two flights and it was really looking like I would be there another day. Miraculously, I got on the 1:00 PM flight to Dallas. I got in at 4:30 P.M. our time and I was never in my life so happy to see Terminal E at DFW Airport.

I am still exhausted from my trip. I am planning to sleep as much as possible this weekend.

That's the news of my big vacation. I hope I won't be seeing the inside of an airport in a long time.

Another poem

Little Girl
A two year old girl
Fussing with her purse
Where has she gone?
Is she lost to the world
Floundering in her Family Song?
Be strong, be strong
Put your feelings away
Little girls shouldn't be
She hides way away in the
Middle of her heart
Waiting and watching
Squnching herself down
She wants and she hopes
For a safe place to be
Where her heart can take a rest

I am starting to write. I got this poem today. That's two days in a row I've had a poem. I love writing poetry.

Waiting

The weight of waiting
Unbearably heavy
A suffocating blanket
A dark ocean of pain
Misplaced gift of life
Leading down to death
Cocooning—embracing
Stretching and becoming
Making a bigger space
Scraping out decay
Giving up life
Getting it back again
The lightness of being

A friend of mine sent me an excerpt from the book When the Heart Waits by Sue Monk Kidd. She had lent me the book sometime ago but I never could get into it. I guess it just wasn't the right time.

The excerpt was talking about waiting tied to spiritual overcoming; our walk being a process rather than a Hallmark Moment.

I really don't like that concept. Waiting to get all the way through the pain until I am ready to take back my life and give it to God. Giving my life and heart away to anyone or anything else leads to death and misery--where I am now. Giving my life and heart away to God leads to life and light and shining as the sun.

I know this. I know giving myself up to God is the answer. Wallowing in His love and healing is the answer. I persist like a stubborn two-year-old to hold onto my fantasy that this world will make me happy--will fix all of my woundedness.

Hang on, Summer, hang on! Wait a little longer. All will be well.