Friday again

This has just been the worst couple of months--actually, it's been the worst year.

Have you ever had a time when you would just rather fall off the face of the earth than face another day? I am there now.

I comfort myself with Psalms 56:8 which goes: Record my lament; list my tears on your scroll -- are they not in your record?

The New American Standard version reads it "Put my tears in your bottle." Wow! God keeps track of my tears.

I think maybe it's a bit like when I was younger and I would tell my mama that some one of my friends was being mean to me. She would never like that kid again--whether I made up with them or not.

I don't mean to say that I think God keeps grudges. I do mean I think God knows our hurts and pains and He records them and keeps track so that when we get to Heaven He can kiss each tear away. He will "make up" for all of our pain.

Going through this time is really bringing me to my knees. I am having to re-assess my relationship with God and Jesus. I think I have been "stiff-arming" them for most of my life. I thought I had resolved those issues but apparently, I only put them on hold.

Now, I have no where to turn for comfort or hope. God is ever faithful. He keeps His promises so I know He is right here beside me holding my hand--whether I feel Him or not.

Sometimes, in the midst of my struggle--when I can turn my eyes from my hurting heart and look towards Heaven--I feel God soothing my heart. Just a little balm for my weary soul. Only as much as I will stand until I turn my eyes back to me.

My mantra is: one foot in front of the other, breathe in, breathe out, keep my eyes on Jesus. Doesn't sound all that difficult. It's the hardest thing I've ever done in all of my life.

Dying

I am dying; if only it were true
Instead I bear a hurt too great
For any girl to shoulder
Still I keep breathing
In-out; In-out
How can it be my heart so dead
But my eyes keep on crying?